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heather

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[02 Jun 2005|11:01am]
"No one told me that the grass would be greener
I've done alot of things since the last time that i seen her
No one ever told me it would be this way
That's why you can't make any sense out of anything I say!"
1 - takes a stab at me

[14 May 2004|11:12am]
who wouldve thought
takes a stab at me

[09 May 2004|10:19am]
<3
takes a stab at me

[08 May 2004|07:07pm]
but id go to hell for you and i havent been this scared in a long time and im so unprepared so heres your valentine a bouquet of clumsy words a simple melody.

this worlds an ugly place but youre still so beautiful to me<3
3 - takes a stab at me

saves the day. [04 May 2004|06:08pm]
Is itherbrown eyes,I know blue eyes get boring but,Id wear

dark glasses all the time,and hey if you want me to Id take a knife to,My own bright eyes!

If i could only see you now
for about an hour
maybe just a minute
just to ask what shes got
that i dont have.
2 - takes a stab at me

well.. [30 Apr 2004|02:30pm]
i am sitting here.
I havent written in here in forever.
But,I figured i might as well.
So much has changed.
Its really awkward to me and its kinda weird to sit and think about.
So,I try not to.

i dont know.
But yeah..So much!

I dont know.This is the busiest weekend in a while.im stoked tough.

I wish i could sit here and write everything ive thought and everything,But i save that for my private entries.
Dont feel likecausing the turmoil.

wow.
<3
2 - takes a stab at me

everything comes to an end... [25 Nov 2003|11:37pm]
this journal has been retired...

New journal.
ask me for it.<3
takes a stab at me

People are lame. [24 Nov 2003|03:01pm]
[ mood | amused ]

good week.
I am so happy.But,You fuckers calling mikie are gay...
And,Immature.But,I dont care about you.
so.Yea.
Well...Im outta here.
<3
Mikie<3

takes a stab at me

and though my hearts exposed i can never reundo you. [22 Nov 2003|04:56pm]
[ mood | not sure. ]

wow.Okay...I just got done reading toms Deadjournal thing.
i am not going to lie.It hurts to read more than anything.
Days go by..And,I will admit,I wish i could just talk to him
But,I feel really weird.
But,I do want to.I think he called me today.So..Im probably going to call him back when im ready.
I was thinking last nite,Going through old stuff...It hurts bad.
I am so happy where i am.And,I want him to know that.
I really am happy.
But,I hurt when i know hes hurting or if hes feeling anything other than happy.
I am excited about turkey run.(if my mom lets me go)
Because i miss talking to him.
I mean,The memories haunt me everyday i wake up in the morning.
I never want him to think i am not hurting people cant wake up one morning and just forget a great person.He really is great...
Im really quite afraid to talk to him and i want him to understand that,I dont want him to think i do not care about ehats going on in his family or whats going on with him.I care about him.and,I dont think i ever wont.
I wonder if he remembers the show we went to..At fuel?
And,We had our first kiss that nite.
Those things are not easy to forget.And,I never will...
and,The last thing i want is to not at least be able to be freinds.B/c He has been a huge part of my life.
I just want him to know,I didnt forget anything.and,when i told him to call whenever he wanted to talk...I am here.
and,I am so sorry if i hurt you.I know i did.But,You hurt me too.
All i ever intended on was being there for you.
I found someone else..and,Theres nothing i can do,Because without that person hell knows where id be right now.
i just want to let you know.I didnt forget anything,and i never will.And everything i EVER said imeant with all my heart...
I hope to talk to you soon.and see whats up.
Because you dont deserve to be hurting that much...Nobody does,really.
<3

5 - takes a stab at me

oh how your blood stains well on white. [22 Nov 2003|03:25pm]
[ mood | okay ]

Today has been pretty cool.Except.I havent been able to really talk to mikie.He went to a kiddie party.(how cute)
But yea,Supposed to go tonite to get a new pair of pants.Because my mom had to work late so,I have to wait.
My sister left so,I get the house to myself.
So,Ive been playing guitar...Sice 1:00 until now im going to go back in there.
Last nite was cool talking to mikie.<3
man.What a good week.
Mikie<3
Im going to play more guitar....

takes a stab at me

Your grace falls,Down around me in my eyes [21 Nov 2003|04:07pm]
[ mood | good ]

well.Pretty good day.Kaitlyn has been acting MAD weird.I hope shes okay.
I dont really know what to say around her anymore.
I got my computer back!
Went to mikies last nite.Hes so great.Hes definatley special to me.
Looks like a another boring weekend lies abroad...

3 - takes a stab at me

Awesome. [16 Nov 2003|09:29am]
[ mood | accomplished ]

wow.I am deaf.Right up front for reggie and the full effect and Alkaline trio.KICK ASS! Im not sure who was better.Definatley one of the best shows..
But,I cant hear too much.So,If i dont call anyone you know why.
So,Yeah.
The only thing that couldve made last nite perfect is if you were there.<3

1 - takes a stab at me

so i sat alone and waited out the nite. [15 Nov 2003|03:38pm]
[ mood | excited ]

hey,leaving for the show soon.
I wish mikie was going but,Hes not.so that stinkx.
Last night was pretty bad.
I hate it when my parents argue.
I hate it more when i ahve nobody to talk to.
I really hope he wants to be freinds still.
and,I hope everything with his family is okay.
I still want to be there for him,everychance i get.
I meant everything i ever said.
<3.
Mikie is really cool.Im happy.Hes happy.
So yea...We are "official",as of the 13th.
I hope i didnt make a mistake,But in our lives we take risks and with every risk there are 2 sides.Good,and bad.So,This could be a good or bad thing.But,I'm sure we'll work out fine.
and,Things are going to be great.
okay well...Bye<3
______________________________________________________
If I could I would shrink myself and sink through your skin to your blood cells
and remove whatever makes you hurt but I am too weak to be your cure.

holy eyes they stare at me I know i know dont go. [14 Nov 2003|03:48pm]
[ mood | excited ]

I am happy.It feels pretty cool.
I do not hate tom.For that note.
I just feel weird talking to him.
FUCKING ALKALINE TRIO TOMORROW!
Great!
I cant wait to finally hang out with KAitlyn.
Its weird at school...But then i come home and i dont have to listen to anyone.

<3I think your awesome<3

i wish that you didnt love me no more,Ive been dead for years [13 Nov 2003|04:39pm]
[ mood | ppy ]

Im glad to some people now,I am a big mean horrible person.
Im a big mean horrible person for doing with makes me happy.
I am a horrible person for not staying with someone i wasnt happy with.
Im horrible for still defending him even though,He makes people hate me.
And,I tell people i wont talk bad about him,Because,Theres nothing i regret.Nothing i hate about him.
People think that i dont think things through before i make a decision.Well,Guess what i do.
I have been nothing but as nice as i can be to him considering.I am still the same person.
People can try to make me feel guilty.About his hand.About how i hurt him
But,Guess what else...Nobody Knows me.Nobody knows whats up in my head.They dont know the thoughts and they know nothing i am going through.
I didnt wake up one day and say,Oh im going to hurt him today..
I started to like someone else.Im only fucking human.
I will always care about him,even though,I am afraid of what else he has to say to me...
You wanna know why i just sat there while you were talking.because i think before i say things I wasnt going to say anything i knew i was going to regret,Because if i said anything,It would be out of anger...
And,I was angry and i didnt want to hurt you.Because i guess ive done enough of that,
I told you i still wanted to be freinds.But you continue to talk bad about me.Rather than say things to me.And then you write me these notes about how you love me and apologize...And continue to tell people what a bad person i am.
In my eyes,I did nothing wrong.I just decided to go out with someone else.And,As i said,I care about you.You did nothing wrong.I just wasnt happy...
Everything i ever told you,I meant.
So,If you think im such a horrible person.Then..Im through.I tell everyone that comes up to me to tell me,"Oh,I am sorry but i ahve to side with tom because he told me this.Or he toldme that"
What about me!
I told you i will always love you.And,I meant it.I am just with someone else....
and your note really made me feel better,Until,People started coming up to me telling me all this stuff.
How come they know everything?...Why cant this just be between me and you?
Is that so much to ask that the whole school doesnt nknow what is going on?
I am happy now.But a little part of me is dead..But,I was tired of not being happy.
I hate the fact that you are hurting.
I hate the fact that everyone hates me,And they dont talk to me before they reach that conclusion.
I hate the fact you say you dont hate me,But you do.
I am to blame and it sucks.
But,Time heals i guess.
I guess,I am sorry...but,I know sorry isnt saying much.I really just dont want to lose you completly i want to be freinds and i want to be there for you.
But not when i am being talked about like anyone knows whats going on through my head.
They dont..
and by the way,Im not going to have sex with mikie.I at least though you would know me better,
I have all the same beliefs..
He isnt as bad as you say.Maybe if you knew him,Then you could judge,But you dont.
I really justwant things to be liveable again.
And,I Guess i did hurt you,.
But YOU hurt your hand...And,I am not responsible.Maybe i am to blame.But thats it.
and to all that hate me,I guess i can seperate my real freinds...From the shitty ones.
I dont hate you.I never will.
I care about you.even though,I chose a different path.
And,I guess,I am sorry if you think i am this big mean person...
Shows what you know i guess...
But,I have nothing bad to say about you.Your a wonderful person.Your damn near perfect.But,My heart tells me i should be wherei am.
And,I am sorry i am not going out with you,and being miserable.B/c if thats what you want...So much for you wanting me to be happy.
so what if we kiss,We are going out.
But you are not him and hes not you.
And besides...I dont know if you remeber but,I do.YOU broke up with ME,because i like mikie.
Well,I do.Did you expect me to come crawling back to you again.I didnt.because i do like him.He was there for me when NOBODY Was ,not one person.
I suppose you got to gain some to lose some.
Im sorry i lost everyone that never cared for me in the first place.(friends)
But whatever..
And also...to all of you that think mikie "stole" me from tom.
As my friend put it,You cant steal something that wanted to be stolen...
I hope importnat people read this and maybe understand.
I will always love him,But,I am happy with mikie.
And,I told him myself,Id love to be friends with him.
B/c i want to be there for him.
I just cant go out with him...
Because i found someone else.

<3

if it makes you less sad ill die by your hand [31 Oct 2003|01:55pm]
[ mood | words cant describe ]

Im a mess.Seriously.I totally freaked ot in 3rd block.It was so horrible,I went back outside to find him,And he wsnt there(which almost resulted in a referral)But,I made a mistake and id do anything to make up for it.I knew it was going to make me feel this way.He hates me.Because i make stupid mistakes.Id do anything to see him or talk to him.I was going to go by his house.(But not only am i afraid of his mom).I cant stand to see him hurt.I love him so much.I just fuckin thre 10 months down the fucking drain.

FUCK!!!!!!!What did i do.
I walked home atlike lunch time.I want to call him,But im so scared.
I cant believe this.
I lost him.I just fucking lostthe only thing thatever meant anything to me.
Omg.
I didnt mean to do that.I didnt....
I miss him so much.I havent been able to stop crying but,For once this isnt about me.Its about tom.Who gives a fuck about me.Everyhting is always about me.NOw its time for him.

I promise ill never hurt you again if you take me back....

I love you tom.<3

4 - takes a stab at me

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